Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Everyone Has a Music Blog Now, Apparently...

... and they all have end of the year top whatever lists to give us nerds something to argue about. SO... this being a multi-media blog and given that Ran is doing some music type thing, I shall take a different path. My intent is to write blog posts about the 20 or so best things I have listened to, watched, eaten, made... etc and the 20 or so worst. I will attempt to pair these things up so that 20 blog posts will be all that is required to make this thing cohesive. I will even attempt to do this somewhat regularly.

Starting... tomorrow.

Start yer bitch engines... I expect angry retorts.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Blog Wars 2: The Empire Eats Crack

I love my brother, but he hates Josh Homme. Seriously, Ran would drink the water in that bottle and throw a brick at his head if he ever saw him out. Ran even hated that Songs for the Deaf record. AND THAT HAD LANEGAN ON IT! Ran's blog A- The part about Them Crooked Vultures B- just like the record itself.

I actually meant to mention Lady GaGa in that last blog. Ran touched on it, but let me expand. Suicide has never been caused by great performance art outside of Marilyn Manson. Plus... bitch got hooks. That "Bad Romance" video is like a visitor from 1985 (the "Wild Boys" era of video). I made fun of her until she provided the single entertaining moments on SNL this season. Then I started listening. Remember how I said, "she's interesting but I'll never buy her record"? That holds true; but you should remember that in this economy, I don't pay for shit. No grade for "Bad Romance", but I've watched the video 10 times. I'll probably watch it again when I link it to this blog. Let's just say Lady GaGa is auditing my brain, not taking the class for a grade.

The remake of The Prisoner on AMC plays like David Lynch's production assistant watched the first episode of the original while drunk on absinthe after which he got really ill and puked all over my television screen. The dialogue is stupid, the visuals are headache inducing and it appears that no one involved in this horrible catastrophe of a show ever watched one episode of the original. F for fuckall

Imma let you finish Oakland Raiders, but the Tennessee Titans have the BEST CRAZY OLD GUY OWNER OF THE YEAR!

Ran's dead on about that Sherlock Holmes shit. Even the de-coked re-awesomed Robert Downey Jr.doesn't make me pay to view Guy Ritchie making Snitch with American-friendly accents in the Queen's English. I may go see Iron Man 2, though, cape or no. What the hell am I saying? I almost missed Inglourious Basterds on the big screen, and I LOVE Tarantino. I never go to the movies.

PS to David Lynch's drunk assistant: come unsee that shit for me, right now, you hack. I want my hour back. Watching TV is serious business around here, and I don't have time to waste.

Lastly, regarding Ran's verbal asskicking of NBC a few weeks ago, he is mostly 100% correct. The Office is in the toilet with only minimal moments of funny and the Leno horror is legend. Where our opinions differ are on Community featuring that guy from The Soup and Trudy from Mad Men. Hey, it's a blog, I don't research crap. That show is the funniest thirty minutes on television outside of HBO hands down. Well except when Chevy Chase is on the screen. Oh, except this bit here. Community - solid A "Gettin' Rid of Britta" - A+++++++++++

Anything that makes fun of douchebag white boy reggae is aces with me. On that note, a parting shot... thanks to the court system for sparing us that Sublime reunion. Way to get one right.

Notes And Musings While Waiting For The Cable Guy

With all due respect to Brother Van, the hour I spent listening to Them Crooked Vultures is the worst I spent this year. Awful. Made me appreciate the Decemberists. Good job, Josh. I hate you a little more. Grade F.

Speaking of the awful, has "Saturday Night Live" ever been this bad. Farting Grace Kelly? Really? Pick it up or pack it in, from here on out, I only watch if X-Pensive Winos are involved.

Van mentioned me not reviewing the new Grant Hart, so here it is. Grant Hart's new record "Hot Wax" is the best record of the year. Hands down. Brilliant. Better than anything else I heard this year with the possible exception of the Def Jam 25th anniversary box set. But that doesn't count. So Grant Wins. Yay, Grant. 237 Stars.

What the fuck is up with Sammy Sosa's skin? Creepy.

I can't get Lady GaGa's "Bad Romance" out of my head. This must be why people commit suicide.

Where is the cable guy? It's driving me crazy. Reason number two why people kill themselves.

New way to identify if you're a gay? Your excitement level for James Franco on "General Hospital". Currently mine is at 11.

You know, finding a creepy guy at a Metallica concert must be amongst the hardest cases local L.E.O.'s face.

My strong love for Sherlock Holmes is going to be eclipsed for my hatred of Guy Richie. And Jude Law. I smell a Netflix rental. Plus, I only go to the movies if capes are involved. And Iron Man don't wear no cape.

Those "Twilight" kids all have them crazy eyes. And Ms. Stewart has the personality of a rat. And not one of those "Ben" rats, just regular everyday gutter rat. Rat. Rat. Rat. Ain't nobody gonna write a song for her. Rat.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. "Avatar" looks dreadful. Exactly why do people like James Cameron? Must be a Scientology thing.

I'm sorry Ms. Stewart, I don't really think you are a rat...Rat!

Seriously, it wouldn't take Jim Carrey this long. "When the truth is found to lies...", indeed.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Ad Hoc Or You Know You Can't Rush Love, Love

The speakers are currently sweating from repeated listenings of Disc One of Janet Jackson's new comp., "Number Ones." (Is it a new Jackson Family tradition to name your Best of "Number Ones"? And is it a must that said Jacksons then lie about it and put songs on said record that never even came close to that number? And does each Jackson then get bad medical advice and die when making the Big Comeback?) Answers to these and other crazy Jackson Family questions I'm sure will be answered on "In the Spotlight with Robin Roberts" tomorrow night. Hard-nosed journalism is what Robin "Ms. Roberts If You're Nasty" Roberts is known for. You should have seen her shake and crawl under her desk when she even hinted at asking Norah Jones about her break up with Lee Alexander this morning. I smell an Emmy.

Anywho, I likes this record. I'm putting on tube socks and doing the water sprinkler right now. 5 Stars.

Disc Two? Not so much. 2 Stars.

Speaking of Ms. Norah Jones, her new album' got me perplexed. I initially found it sounded like latter day R.E.M. with a Lanois production and a half-Indian, half-Black, all hot female lead singer. And it is that. But it's not the Grand Alternative Rock Departure some would have you believe. It's just Norah with a No-So-Handsome Band and that's alright. A week worth of listens have made me warm to it and at the end of the day, it's only 3 P.M. and my opinion could change five time before the witching. Right now, I like it. 14 Stars.

Congratulations to "Gossip Girl." You've made ménage à trois with a former Mouse House star boring and predictable. and worst of all, not sexy. Everyone knows you can't spell Lucy, Ethel and Fred without B-A-S-S. Grade-C

That last paragraph is the gayest thing I've ever written. Burn the rich!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Lemme Gitcher Ear Fer a Minute...

Them Crooked Vultures ain't gonna surprise no one, but they may rock a couple of asses off. No shit... listen to John Paul Jones' bass parts (if you can get past Josh Homme sounding like every band he's ever been in). OH... and Grohl playing drums means for at least that instant, he isn't writing some song I feel guilty for hating. B+ but only because Plant died last year. Oh, he's alive? B-

It is worth mentioning that prior to editing, I referred to the band above as Them Heavy Vultures. Oh Kate Bush, will you ever relinquish your control of my brain?

V is brilliant television for Americans that hate terrorism. Solid B

Mad Men finale? B+ if you are a misogynist. A- if you aren't.

I used to watch FlashForward. Then baseball happened. I liked Lost the first time.

Oh... reality television? Kevin wins Top Chef, that bitch I-Mean-a wins Project Runway, no one wins Survivor unless a new-clear bawmb is dropped on Samoa, and General Hospital is just getting good. Whataya mean General Hospital isn't real?

I figured that Brother Ran would hit that Grant Hart record, but as he hasn't... OH MY GOD. It is the sequel to Intolerance that you never heard. Wait, you never heard Intolerance? Then why are you reading this? Fuck off. Hot Wax A++++++

Saturday, November 7, 2009

The Reports Of My Death Are Greatly Exaggerated

So...four albums in, many hit singles, crazy ass crossover success and awards o'plenty, I can officially announce the death of my Carrie Underwood comeback sex-flick vehicle, "Carrie Under Wood". Sad day. Have not heard her new record and probably won't. Hurts too much. I'm sure it's a winner. 75 stars.

Heard the new Swell Season record this week and I have to say, I like the musical stylings of Van Morrison, too. I highly recommend "Tupelo Honey". 1 star.

Really enjoyed the premier of "V" despite the fact that I thought it was gonna be based on the Gary Louris/Kraig Johnson classic and not some '80's cheese-fi lizard porn. That's happened twice this season. I thought "Three Rivers" was about a vampire who plays for the Pittsburgh Steelers. 37 stars.

They sure remake a lot of shows these days. I'd like to take this time to announce my new re-boot of "Manimal" starring Kevin Sorbo and Jewel Staite.

The Yankees beat my beloved Phillies in the World Series. I now know what it feels like, when doves cry.

Built To Spill's got a new one. (1) It rocks. (2) Are you surprised? And (3) "Built To Spill' was going to be the sequel to "Carrie Under Wood". 16 stars.

Jermaine Dupri and 'Lil Wayne on the new Weezer? Smells like teen spirit. Kriss Kross will make ya....3 stars.

I offered up $10,001 for the rights to the "Terminator" franchise this week. So I'm that much closer to my dream. "Terminator : Mall Cop".

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Rum Trumps Memories

I'm listening to Ronnie Spector (most ridiculous sex fantasy ever, by the way) and realizing that (no shit) alcohol is so fucking stupid. No, seriously, alcohol has been this HUGE factor in my life. Most every good and bad thing that has ever happened to me has been a result of drinking. Oh, by the way... I'm drinking. Full disclosure.

But look... music doesn't taste as good sober. It just doesn't. If you are disagreeing, you either listen to a boatload of Christian rock, or an assload of contemporary country. Listen... to the latter group, Hank the Senior WANTS you to drink. Copiously. So get over yourself and go and buy a bottle. Trust me, you want no part of any Heaven that doesn't involve Hank Sr. Or Johnny Thunders. Drink up. But try really hard to stay away from the opiates.

I guess my point is this: it is just after three in the A.M., and I'm directionless. Alcohol doesn't help me anymore. No songs, no poems, no prose.

Wait... this is prose (sort of), right?

Lemme think about all of this.