Blog Wars 2: The Empire Eats Crack

I love my brother, but he hates Josh Homme. Seriously, Ran would drink the water in that bottle and throw a brick at his head if he ever saw him out. Ran even hated that Songs for the Deaf record. AND THAT HAD LANEGAN ON IT! Ran's blog A- The part about Them Crooked Vultures B- just like the record itself.

I actually meant to mention Lady GaGa in that last blog. Ran touched on it, but let me expand. Suicide has never been caused by great performance art outside of Marilyn Manson. Plus... bitch got hooks. That "Bad Romance" video is like a visitor from 1985 (the "Wild Boys" era of video). I made fun of her until she provided the single entertaining moments on SNL this season. Then I started listening. Remember how I said, "she's interesting but I'll never buy her record"? That holds true; but you should remember that in this economy, I don't pay for shit. No grade for "Bad Romance", but I've watched the video 10 times. I'll probably watch it again when I link it to this blog. Let's just say Lady GaGa is auditing my brain, not taking the class for a grade.

The remake of The Prisoner on AMC plays like David Lynch's production assistant watched the first episode of the original while drunk on absinthe after which he got really ill and puked all over my television screen. The dialogue is stupid, the visuals are headache inducing and it appears that no one involved in this horrible catastrophe of a show ever watched one episode of the original. F for fuckall

Imma let you finish Oakland Raiders, but the Tennessee Titans have the BEST CRAZY OLD GUY OWNER OF THE YEAR!

Ran's dead on about that Sherlock Holmes shit. Even the de-coked re-awesomed Robert Downey Jr.doesn't make me pay to view Guy Ritchie making Snitch with American-friendly accents in the Queen's English. I may go see Iron Man 2, though, cape or no. What the hell am I saying? I almost missed Inglourious Basterds on the big screen, and I LOVE Tarantino. I never go to the movies.

PS to David Lynch's drunk assistant: come unsee that shit for me, right now, you hack. I want my hour back. Watching TV is serious business around here, and I don't have time to waste.

Lastly, regarding Ran's verbal asskicking of NBC a few weeks ago, he is mostly 100% correct. The Office is in the toilet with only minimal moments of funny and the Leno horror is legend. Where our opinions differ are on Community featuring that guy from The Soup and Trudy from Mad Men. Hey, it's a blog, I don't research crap. That show is the funniest thirty minutes on television outside of HBO hands down. Well except when Chevy Chase is on the screen. Oh, except this bit here. Community - solid A "Gettin' Rid of Britta" - A+++++++++++

Anything that makes fun of douchebag white boy reggae is aces with me. On that note, a parting shot... thanks to the court system for sparing us that Sublime reunion. Way to get one right.

Kickstart My 2010

Stereogum tells me that Vampire Weekend's new LP, Contra, will be released on 12 January. Not coincidentally, that is the date that I will be able to listen to Vampire Weekend again without being reminded of the ex who ruined them for me. If that isn't an example of Morissette Irony, I don't know what is.

Enjoy a performance of "Run" at that link or the suspected first single "white Sky" below.

Spoon - Got Nuffin EP

Points for truth in advertising.

Seriously, there have been some great EP's in our time. Husker Du's Metal Circus, R.E.M.'s Chronic Town, The Clash's Black Market Clash, and so many others. I just don't understand the thought process when a band walks into a studio and records one pretty good song and surrounds it with utter crap. This one has a decent opener, a piece of tape loop trash, a song that not only sounds like the Strokes but mentions their name in the title (yes, I'm sure it's an inside joke and I don't get it), and a remix of the earlier tape loop trash.

Neat.

"Got Nuffin" (the song) - B+
Got Nuffin EP - D

If You Can't Be a Part of the Crowd, Be a Part of the Backlash: Susan Boyle

Look. I love reality television. I do. I watch a number of shows that I admit to, and a number of shows that I hide like a heroin habit. However, I do so knowing one simple fact: ain't nothin' real about it. At the very least, the observer effect states that being watched changes the behavior of the observed. This is why contestants on the Amazing Race check their lip gloss before wading through a vat of cow manure to find a marble. On the other end of the reality spectrum (or as I like to call it, Rock of Love-ism)people will do pretty much anything to be on television. Play football in the mud in bikinis, tattoo the name of a person they've never met on their bodies, and the list goes on. Not that I've. Ever. Watched. Rock of Love.

Anyway, it's all in good fun and in the name of entertainment, so we suspend our disbelief for an hour and watch voraciously. The supreme ruler of all reality television is the talent contest. In the United States, American Idol enthralls us with its wealth of talented kids with back stories that make us cry and root for them. Or you know, point and laugh. There are other shows, but this one is by far the most popular. In England, AI's Simon Cowell has created a number of televised talent competitions, one of them being Britain's Got Talent. The "talent" is more on the order of the old Gong Show than American Idol, with contestants performing all sorts of "talents" to move through the competition. There are of course singers as well,and that is where we come to Season Three and Ms. Susan Boyle.

In case you have been living under a rock, Susan Boyle is a frumpy 47 year old self proclaimed virgin who has always dreamed of being a singer. Her dream was thwarted because her invalid mother needed caring for, and so Susan long ago said goodbye to music and lived her life as a caretaker. Until now. In dramatic fashion, Boyle was trotted onto the stage to the agape mouths of judgmental audience members and pithy stoic judges only to open her mouth and sing a perfectly lovely version of "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Miserables. The audience awash in tears in regret of their dismissal of Boyle jumped to their feet and applauded. Mean old Simon Cowell burst into a smile heralding Boyle as the next pop sensation, while immediately locking her down to a recording contract with Syco Records, his Sony imprint. A story of great inspiration to all.

Except it isn't. Now understand, my problem with this isn't about Susan Boyle, really. While I am certainly "hatin'" as one of my friends put it, I'm not really hating on Boyle. The media, particularly in inspiration starved America, have jumped all over this story. Every media outlet from the legitimate news to the tabloids have reported Boyle's "never been kissed" story (which by the way, she quickly dismissed as being blown out of proportion. Hey, honey, YOU said it).They have discussed the hardship of her life taking care of her mother from the 90's until 2007. Most importantly, they just can't understand how such a global treasure could have been hidden from view for so long. I mean, EVEN SIMON COWELL'S legendary face of stone broke into a toothy grin as she was singing.

Except that every aspect of this story is contrived and carved for maximum drama. Was Susan Boyle a caretaker for her sick mother? Yes. Has she actually avoided being kissed for 47 years? No. Does she possess a better than average vocal talent? Yes. Is it so remarkable as to seem otherworldly? No. Was the audience legitimately surprised by that voice coming from that mouth? Probably. Was Simon Cowell? No. Because he auditioned her. No. Folks, she was picked to be on Britain's Got Talent because she is not pretty to look at. Accept it. Understand it. If this woman looked like Eliza Dushku, she would never have gotten a second glance for THIS PARTICULAR OUTLET. BGT is a freakshow, no more, no less. Hey, and if it gets the lady some fame, which she clearly wants, then good on her. But don't try and sell her to me as an inspiration. Because there is nothing inspiring about Simon Cowell going for maximum shock value in getting a dowdy middle aged woman with a partially fictitious backstory who happens to be able to sing. That, my friends, is television... and Simon Cowell is one of the best in the business at manipulating his audience. If you don't believe me, ask Taylor Hicks.

Because It Is More Fun to Hate Than to Love...

I made a list of essential records not too long ago, and I'll refine that and put it on here at some point. I started looking at others' lists and realized that there are a bunch of albums that influenced people that I just never "got". either the music didn't move me, or it was just diametrically opposed to my mindset at the time. Many of these records have warranted re-listens over the years and, in one or two cases, I've flip-flopped a bit. In most cases, I stand by my initial assessment. A quick disclaimer, this in no way meant to slam anyone's opinion. As I have gotten older, I have honestly realized that music is a subjective thing and no two tastes are completely alike... I just like lists.

1. Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon
I was never a huge fan. I liked some of the Syd Barrett stuff, and kind of dug Animals and Wish You Were Here. DSOTM always seemed overblown, and it was certainly overplayed. The Wizard of Oz thing was just overkill.

2. The Grateful Dead - American Beauty
This was a product of hating a scene more than the music. I later grew a healthy respect for AB, Workingman's Dead and the acoustic live Reckoning. The rest of it, I could still do without. As to the live shows... if "every third show was brilliant" as the Deadheads claim, then every first and second show sucked donkey balls.

3. Phish - pick one.
See above but replace actual songcraft with incessant noodling. Exception: "Sample in a Jar" from Hoist. I liked that one.

4. Dave Matthews Band - Under the Table and Dreaming
I was living in Richmond whilst the DMB star was beginning to rise and watched as his Wednesday night residency at the Flood Zone grew from a smattering of somewhat interested drunks to a sold out every week affair. He was (is, I'm sure) a genuinely nice guy and deserves every ounce of his fame. His music, however, bores me to tears. It is as if Paul Simon only ever recorded Africaner-lite muzak.

5. Rush - anything that isn't Moving Pictures or Subdivisions
My distaste for Rush is well documented. I love Alex Lifeson, but Geddy Lee sings like a 6 year old child being run over by a combine and Neil Peart has clearly never watched Freaks & Geeks. I can get past it for the total riffest that encompassed their mid 80's output. To a degree.

6. Metallica - ...and Justice For All
Metallica was never the same after Cliff Burton's death, and that said... I had only marginal love for them before this. Aside from that... the video for "One" (taken largely from the film "Johnny Got His Gun" is unwatchable to me, as is the film.

7. Ween - Pure Guava
That voice. Why? WHHHHYYYYYY? Rush fans, to be sure.

8 The Beatles - Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
My distaste for The Beatles is well documented. This album, in particular, is pompous and overblown. Brian Wilson beat this record senseless with Pet Sounds.

9. R.E.M. - Green
Oh I bought it. Pretended to love it. Now, other than one or two songs, it is nearly unlistenable to me. This was the beginning of R.E.M.'s foray into corporate rock. I could hear Stipe's lyrics and they still made no sense. Pete's guitar was LOUD LOUD LOUD. I had to pay a lot of money to see them live and it just wasn't the same. Hairshirt? Indeed.

10. Minor Threat - pick one
Nope. Never liked Ian's brand of preach-punk. Bad Religion never told me not to drink. Well, then he became Fugazi. Then I adapted and learned to love.

11. Paul Westerberg - Eventually
The beginning of the ex-Mat's Sinatra period. Forgettable songwriting, pithy crooning. He got better again later.

12. Liz Phair - Whitechocolatespacegg
After the one-two punch that was Exile in Guyville and Whip-Smart I couldn't get my head around this one. Did I just like her because she was hot? Nah, that couldn't be it... she got hotter later and made worse records. There are those that love this record. I am not one of them. The beginning of her ongoing overproduction period.

13. Jeff Buckley - Grace
The guy can write a song. And he can sing. Trouble is... he sings and I hear Freddie Mercury. I dunno why. I just do. I like Queen. But Brian May never guested on a Buckley record. Also? Can't swim.

14. Tori Amos - Under the Pink
Poor Tori is getting shafted for all of that "Lilith Fair" chick rock that I hate. Also for evoking Kate Bush to me (who I love) but kind of a poorer 'Muricun white trash version. I've had many try and change my mind. I do think that she is a powerful live artist. From what I've seen. On that video. That one time. Oh... Under the Pink largely because I really hated "Cornflake Girl".

15. Soundgarden - Superunknown
I never loved Chris Cornell's voice. It was okay in a I liked Led Zeppelin the first time kind of way. Still I loved Ultramega OK and Badmotorfinger largely due to Kim Thayil's guitar. then they went all Beatlesque on me. And you know how I feel about the Beatles. Right?